best worst gifts + forgetting the room
Not a single link to click, only the Christmas I will never forget
That Christmas, I was the only unmarried sibling in my family. As the youngest of four, I was in my early twenties and taking my role as the young, fun one seriously—I was like a meme of a single city girl going home for Christmas, nursing a hangover before an early morning flight. As I stepped off the plane, I realized I had forgotten my snow boots.
I spent the next few days feeling like a fish out of water in my own family. I remember thinking, "I'm too old to have to sleep on the top bunk." (I was not too old to sleep on the top bunk.) I was proud of the life I was building across the country from my family. But all three of my older siblings had married, and in terrible news for me, they were all extremely, happily in love.
My family at this time was still a "one present at a time" family—a rule that has been absolutely obliterated by grandchildren, thank goodness. But this year, with cinnamon rolls, coffee, and mimosas (for me) in hand, we began.
My sister-in-law opened first: my brother bought her a fancy camera, supporting a hobby she'd taken up. We all oohed. My sister went next. She and her husband were in grad school at the time, scrimping. Her husband wrote her a song (!), and she cried. I thought about how my boyfriend couldn't even say "I love you." And then my other sister-in-law opened her gift: a cruise! My brother got her a cruise. I think I yelled, "Yay! Travel!" so I wouldn't think about my negative bank balance.
Then it was my turn. My mom reached into the pile and pulled out a small present. I thought about how much I loved these people, but how I felt like a stranger to them, and how that made me feel a little unknown to myself. I wondered if that even mattered? I was with my family. It was Christmas. I unwrapped the gift:
It was a jar of pickled asparagus.
It was pickled. Asparagus.
To be clear, I love a pickle. LOVE a pickle. And yet. This was not an inside joke or tradition. It was, simply, pickled asparagus. Pickled asparagus that was also a neon sign pointing to how my life was different from those I love the most. I wish I had laughed! I did not laugh.
But, it has grown funny. The pickled asparagus gets funnier and funnier every year (and it got a lot funnier once I was also married, full disclosure.) My sister got me a mini toy boat, a karaoke microphone, and a Polaroid camera for my 39th birthday—a call back that secured the lore as something we laugh about. This is the real gift, yes?
THIS MADE ME LAUGH/WANT TO BE BFFs
Have you ever started a joke and then realized you've taken it too far or forgotten what room you're in? SAME. First, if you cannot say yes to this question, you need to make more jokes. Second, I love this woman. Third, and I assume this does not need to be said, but I'll say it anyway: don't buy pickled asparagus as a gift. But do tell me your worst gift ever, just for a little laugh.
xoxo, Kathleen
PS: clicking the heart at the top or bottom of this email or leaving a comment is an easy way to support my work + feed the algorithm/computer gods. I love you + you’re the best.
This isn’t my story, but my husband’s grandmother always liked to see a lot of gifts under the tree, so if it was looking a little sparse, she would go grab stuff from her pantry and wrap it to go under the tree. Which is why my husband, at age 5, was gifted a giant jar of peanut butter.
I don't need any more reasons to love you, but you continue to drop little nuggets into my inbox that do exactly that. I'm not following the rules, or answering your question, but I feel compelled to just share my appreciation for you every time I read you. And I'm in awe everytime (because apparently I'm like a goldfish with no memory and it's a sweet surprise every time) I'm in awe that I can learn so much from someone in these little snippets and posts and it's incredibly pleasing to me and continues to make writing feel so accessible (even though I continue to be intimidated by it!)- so thank you for being you and sharing that with us!