a fun person's guide to real talk + no beard babies

five tips that'll skip small talk, but FYI there's no coolness allowed

"You're the girl at the party who looks like she's having the most fun," my friend Rebecca said. "How do you do that?" I immediately knew what she was talking about (and felt simultaneously flattered and slightly embarrassed to be so... known). It's a brag but I'll say it: my superpower is knowing how to skip small talk and get to the meaningful stuff, even with strangers and intimidating people.

there was REAL TALK happening at this REAL PARTY

This approach isn't for everyone. You need to be comfortable with a stranger's sudden vulnerability (aka tears! Strangers crying!). You need to be willing to exchange phone numbers, as I did with Bernita who I met in line in downtown Seattle last week, whose brother died and who shared his beautiful obituary with me. (Hi Bernita! Thanks for the Mother's Day wishes.) You need to genuinely enjoy people, because they can tell the difference between someone collecting contacts and someone collecting stories.

For clarity, I'm not an extrovert, you don't need to be one! Extroverts don't get to be the only ones good at conversation! I said it! I'm an introvert who loves people, which is why I want to make the most of my time with them—I find social interaction both wonderful and draining, so I don't want to waste precious energy on weather talk. Think of it as emotional efficiency, not social performance. We're gonna get to the good stuff, as quickly as possible.

When my friend Rebecca asked me how I do it, I think she thought I might say some nonsense like "relax and have fun!" No. Within an hour of her question, I came up with some of my favorite practices to get to know someone, and I've tested them out, honed them, over the last few months. And I'm excited and slightly nervous to share them with you, if you'd like to try them out.

SO! Here are my five thoroughly tested and surprisingly tender tips for quick connection with interesting people (I felt somewhat nerdy writing these out, but I believe they're helpful):

1. Give exuberant greetings.

   Okay, first this is especially important for me as a self-identified Irish exiter, lol. But I also try to let my face and body show if I'm excited to see someone. This is hard! I am often in a bad mood or annoyed by an email or the president! But I learned the importance of this from Gretchen Rubin (OG Happiness researcher, a queen), and try to embrace (ha) it. If you are happy to see someone, try showing it, like really showing how happy you are. Even if you've only met them once. It feels wonderful, on both sides.

2. Hype up new friends.

   Everyone loves to be talked nicely about in public, especially if it's for something they don't normally get noticed for. I've recently shouted excitedly when I learned someone knit her own beautiful sweater! And the whole crowd at a recent party gave a cheers after I shared that a set of parents recently survived Great Wolf Lodge! Hyping up other people is one of my favorite things in general, but it also is a wonderful intimacy accelerant (I know that sounds x-rated and I promise I tried to word it a few ways! But that's what it is!)

3. Share my specific sadnesses and silly stuff.

   The rule: You have to skip small talk if you want to skip the small talk. People will only be as real as you are. Warning: this does not mean oversharing. Where is the line? I'm not sure. (In full honesty, I think about this a lot.) I've found that a little sharing of something real—"I'm having a hard time with some parenting stuff" or "I wish I could be more funny right now, but someone just yelled at me in the parking lot!"—injects some humanity into what can be a sea of surface small talk. And it's contagious, and makes things so much more real.

4. Remember others' feelings over facts.

   When someone is finally sharing, I get curious about their feelings and experience, not the what happened of it all. I think this is the interesting juicy stuff, and if I'm being honest, I'm bad at remembering facts! But I've found people are so rarely asked how their experience was. I asked Bernita what her experience of her brother dying was, and it was, in all honesty, a grief master class for me. One I never would have gotten if I'd asked what he died from.

5. Be sincere, not cool. This is actually it.

   The whole ball game. If you want to be cool, don't do any of the above. It won't work. But if you want real connection—the kind that makes a party memorable, the kind that creates friendships that last—sincerity beats coolness every time. I've never regretted choosing warmth over wit, vulnerability over aloofness. Not once.

And one more really, really important secret: these aren't just for strangers or new friends. These are also the ways I deepen connections with lifelong friends. My friends are moms and executives and chronically ill and squeezed in the sandwich generation. I don't want to waste a minute of our precious in-person time. I want to get to the heart of things—how are they really doing? What fears keep them up at night? Where are they finding joy? These five practices help fast-track to the real stuff with the people I love and care about the most, along with my new friends, like Bernita.

If you try any of these out, let me know? And if you think I sound insufferable or annoying? Well, I am cringe, so I am free. And surrounded by the most interesting, fun people at the party. You should come hang out with us, pretty please.

THIS MADE ME LAUGH

wizdommencare

A post shared by @wizdommencare

I’ve become obsessed with videos of babies getting scared of their beardless fathers. These babies said “I don’t know that man” and I respect them for it. Kind of the vibe a lot of men be giving lately! The babies are onto something!

THESE MADE ME LINK

Sorry for the pun, I’m trying it out lol / I wrote about why my childless friends are my parenting gems for Romper / We had the best bookprty for

Domenica Ruta 🧿

‘s stunning book ALL THE MOTHERS - it's beautiful and loving and hilarious and you should read it this summer / Speaking of bookprty, attendee with the username BMM who shared her Christian band ex with dreads, I have your prize for winning the worst ex contest!!But who are you BBM? Email me please so I can get you your jenis ice cream prize / I wrote about techology rules that work for my family for the best parenting substack

Claire Zulkey

‘s Evil Witches. This is a paid post, but she is so worth it / Right now I'm listening to Nate Bargatze's book and reading Heartwood, while watching dumb Karen Read TikToks and finally joining a gym so I can hopefully stop looking like a gargoyle. /What are you up to/ linking these days?

I hope you get to go to a very cool party this weekend and try out one of the five tips. Everyone there is gonna want to be you, getting the good dish, having the best time with the real talk! I hope you really have a ball.

Xo,

Kathleen

PS: Liking and/or sharing this post as a note helps people find my work, which helps me keep the work coming. Thanks for being part of the loop; it is an important part of this. xx