tall lies + stupid optimism
It's time to be brave and speak the truth: tall doesn't mean hot.
The first moment I realized some of my friends had been lied to by powerful people was at a boot camp in Piedmont Park. It was Atlanta, GA, and we were covered in pollen (literally, you could draw hearts on our backs in the yellow pollen after we did our sit-ups on the grassy field). My friend Katharine and I had signed up for a 6am boot camp, despite her being a very fancy lawyer who did not like early mornings, and me being poor, because we were going to Get Our Lives Together™.
We were each fresh off a relationship (hers: a professional puppeteer; mine: an improviser who improvised his way into another girl's bed) but ready to get back out there. We were, finally it felt, serious about our lives, and serious women go to boot camp, where they discuss their serious dates as they seriously wonder why they paid to do hungover hill sprints.
It was the third week of boot camp when Katharine arrived (late, as is the lawyer way) to the warm-up, and began to download from her blind date the night before: "He's tall!" she yelled.
I blinked. (From the pollen? No, from her comment). I began my rat-a-tat of post-date questions: What does he do? Was he funny? Did he ask you questions about yourself? Did he have both a bed frame and sheets?
She answered quickly, checking off all the appropriate boxes (he had a job, so he was already ahead of the puppeteer) but then, eyes looking toward the rising Atlanta sunrise, she said it again: "And, he's so tall."
It was at this moment I realized I had missed something, as a not-tall, which is that "tall" really does a lot of heavy lifting in the dating market. Ladies seriously are height-hypnotized! And not just ladies, everyone. In the years since that pollen-soaked morning, I have discovered this is an epidemic. So, let me say something very, very clearly here, something my friend needed to hear at 6am in Atlanta, GA in 2010, and that I see a lot of people still need today:
TALL DOES NOT MEAN HOT.
Tall does not mean attractive (read that again!). Tall means the same head, just a couple inches higher in space. And, even more important:
Tall does not mean funny. Tall does not mean interesting. Tall does not mean you have read a book in the last decade. Tall does not mean you can hold a conversation about anything other than how tall you are and how much you have to duck through doorways.
In fact, I'd go so far as to argue that for some people, tall means you didn't have to develop a personality because everyone just thought you had one because you were tall. For some people, they are so tall, we forget that they are also supposed to be entertaining, even though their heads are like, so far away. Some people, maybe some politicians (!!!) , have made tall their entire resume! This is a serious fucking problem.
And yes, I have some tall friends who do not let their tallness do the heavy lifting. I even have one tall friend who is funny AND male! We love rare creatures.
As a short, yes, I do write this out of pure envy, and out of the personality I had to develop because I was not 4 inches taller. I'm not saying this is fair. I'm saying the world isn't fair, and some people get to be tall AND have personalities, while the rest of us have to work for it.
(Oh, and Katharine married the tall guy. He’s wonderful. They have tall, beautiful children, who are very funny, because they have parents who will not let tall be their entire personality. They're doing God's work. May we all demand more of our blessed tall friends, only some of whom are hot.)
THIS MADE ME LAUGH
TALL DOES NOT MEAN HOT AND OPTIMISM HAS NEVER FELT STUPIDER. Who is ready to join my cult?
Okay, weird transition, but I do want to invite you to join bookprty, which is the name I gave for my paid subscribers, because I love anything that feels like a secret club. All paid subscribers are invited a live author chat with me and
next Sunday as we talk about her (hysterical) book HYSTERICAL. You don't have to have read the book! But a lot of you are, and loving it (especially the audio, which Elissa reads!) At bookprty talk book gossip and everyone yells about what book they love right now. I'd love if you'd join, even (especially!) if you are tall.I hope you're hanging in, and I hope this gave you a little laugh,
xo/pollen heart,
Kathleen
PS: Liking or leaving a comment feeds the algorithm and helps other people join our cult. I GOTTA STOP WITH THE CULT JOKES. Honestly though, thank you for liking/commenting/sharing/restacking - I appreciate it. xx
TALL DOES NOT EQUAL FUNNY. People (I am also people!) used to think my ex (6’7”! A TALL Tall!) was so funny. Just the funniest. And so easy going! No. It’s because he was So Tall that everyone hung onto every word he was saying. And he is A Large Man and people rarely question him, so he almost always got his way, so of course he seemed to just go with the flow.
Tall is just tall.
In this age of Zoom, I have sometimes worked with people very closely without meeting in them in person for a while. And on multiple occasions when I do meet them in person, I get surprised reactions because though I'm a short, they think I'm tall. One person literally said, "But you have tall energy!" I didn't know whether to be complimented or offended? Like I still am not sure??