waterbeds + flushing hamsters
I have always been the kind of idiot who immediately executes on ideas. I had the thought, "I wonder what would happen if I popped this bed?" and then just... did it.
The worst thing I ever did to a sibling was pop my brother's water bed. As the youngest of four, the list of worst things is (appropriately! Justice for little sisters!) long, but I was absolute honey badger energy. For reference I'm the baby eating the flowers below. The older boy in the bow tie is my brother whose bed would be destroyed a few short years later by that little flower-eating baby.
Prior to the popping, my most exciting water bed experience (I WAS A CHILD, I know your mind went somewhere else, and that is why we are friends) was during the LA earthquake. My brother happened to be away, and I snuck into his room to chill on his bed like the elementary queen I was, which went great until the waterbed became an absolute wave pool. I thought maybe he'd set up some kind of booby trap. The screaming to "get in a doorway" alerted me to the fact that my brother actually thought about me a lot less than I previously thought.
I have always been the kind of idiot who immediately executes on ideas. And my first, greatest display of this might have happened on a random Sunday when I thought, "I wonder what would happen if I popped this bed?" and then just... did it.
I walked to our 1980s kitchen, pulled out the silverware drawer with the avocado-colored plastic utensil drawer insert, and picked up a fork. I marched my tiny year-old self back to the bed, belly flopped onto it ( , again, it's a waterbed), pulled up the corner of the sheet, and pressed the tines of the fork into the thick blue plastic.
It popped! Two prongs pressed through, and it popped! I was so delighted! So delighted, for one second, until I realized I popped my brother's water bed.
Here is how I solved it, which will tell you everything you need to know about me: I marched my Keds right into the kitchen, pulled out the Gorilla Glue, ran back to the bedroom, and patched the water bed (I did accidentally glue the sheet to my forearm in the process, I do remember that being an issue). Did I tell anyone? No. Did I fix it? Yes. Did it stay fixed forever? It did. I have always been who I am: dumb and lucky.
THIS MADE ME LAUGH/FEEL LESS BAD ABOUT THE WATER BED
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You don’t even need to click the video, just read the text. I have laughed about this all week. Sisters be SAVAGE, and truly made me consider:
Would you rather have your water bed popped or your hamster flushed by your little sister?
What is the worst thing your siblings ever did to you? (It's okay if it's not hamster-level: I know your family is way too loving for things like that.)
Bonus points for the worst thing you ever did (to siblings or friends or your dumb uncle, he counts)
Also, you're invited to join BOOKPRTY- my paid subscriber hangout! This winter we are reading
’s SELF CARE (One of NPR's best books of 2020 and a hilarious takedown of wellness culture; I love it) and yelling about books and other things we love. And (brag alert!), the BOOKPRTY comments section is popping – we've got reality show EPs chatting with restaurateurs, mom coaches connecting with children's book authors. It's an extremely cool hang. To join, become a paid subscriber via the button below and join the fun.PS: This week I wrote at Romper about how parenting is feeling easier these days. Thought you might like, though there are no waterbed shenanigans.
I can’t wait to laugh with you in the comments. Someone reading must have done something as savage as I did to a sibling, surely? I hope you’re safe, and that this gave you a little laugh,
xo,
Kathleen
Cue your slightly older, much more cautious sister nope-ing out of the room when you popped that bed.
For real, what WERE we thinking as a society with these waterbeds?!