yelling at men + ipad cats
Why does our PTA only have 3 men on it?
I’ve loved the OK chart pictures and Costco reports you’ve shared since the last little laugh. I will say that we had a mood emergency (!!!) in our house that required an OK chart, but it got us all sorted, thank goodness. And those of you making OK charts for yourself are my heroes. ILU.
When I read Lyz Lens's piece about men at the Trump rally, I felt upset and sad and scared. It made me feel like I did when I got catcalled at 18 outside my dorm, and realized the man was following me inside. It certainly did not make me laugh.
But it did make me think of a time, recently, that I decided I'd had it with a few hundred men's behavior, and decided I was going to do something about it.
This March, I found myself standing in front of the parents of our entire elementary school, speaking to the men. It had recently come to my attention that of the 35 positions on our school's PTA, only 3 of them were held by men. And here's the kicker—2 of those 3 men were named Jon. (Don't get me wrong, I love men named Jon! So much that I am married to one) This was a joke that killed in the speech, but only because it's so fucking infuriating.
I live in one of the most blue zip codes in one of the most blue cities in America. The disconnect between our stated values and the PTA roster was alarming (understatment).
The assembly was for a break dancing residency (yes, I did say I live in Seattle, yes... I know), and let me tell you, dads LOVE to show up for a break dancing assembly. I practiced my speech in the hallway beforehand, trying to make sure I sounded calm, not shrill.
When I spoke, I shared our current PTA volunteer stats (2 Jons!) and I shared how it's been a point of pride in the past that the PTA was mostly run by men. But the thing that made the room go quiet was my mentioning of a wise quote I heard on TikTok (wish I was joking): "Annoyance is the price of community." I said quite clearly that if they were hesitating on getting involved because they thought it might be annoying—they are right, it can be! Do you think only women have to do annoying work?
I also said that we, as a community, would have this conversation once. I said we would fix the gender imbalance that day. I said our kids—the kids sitting there, getting ready to do KILLER back spins—I said they would notice the next time our PTA stood up, how many men there were.
I passed around a QR code. There was rustling in the room, not a lot of eye contact, and I have to say, it felt bad. I felt embarrassed and scared. Later, a friend said her mother-in-law was at the assembly and asked, "Why was that woman yelling?" That, I have to say, hit me. I didn't like it. And I had to sit and think, was I yelling? Maybe. Maybe I was. But is there something worse than yelling at men in public? Yeah. It's hating them behind their backs. I'm not going to do that.
I'm not going to let my fear stop me from asking the men in my community to step the up. Because if I stop asking—if we all stop asking—we've given up completely. It means we don't believe in good men. And I do. I know there are so many good men, and I believe we need to be clear and direct and passionate in our asks. And just to report back, the yelling? It worked. A bunch of dads volunteered, and the board reached gender equity, literally within 24 hours.
I share this because I read pieces like Lyz's and I feel scared, and I also feel scared asking the men in my community to stand up and help out. But they aren't the same fear. One is hiding and one is active. One is virtual and one is my actual real life. And when I feel so dizzied and drowned by the news, I feel soothed knowing that I can still yell at men in my real life, and they will, if they are named Jon or not, listen.
THESE MADE ME LAUGH
Instagram delivered laughs this week, way to keep up IG: bless / hell yes aunties and uncles / okay I like this cat
TikTok laughs, even for old people: obsessed with drama goat / I loved jewel and I love this / this was me at 23
A book rec: Kevin Wilson’s newest book RUN FOR THE HILLS is a delight. His writing is wry and never mean and warm and FUN. Recommend! It made me laugh!
BOOKPRTY SUMMER HANG
Sunday July 27th 4:30 PT/ 7:30 ET, I’ll be hosting a bookprty summer book chat! Get a snack, get horizontal, and get your notes app ready for all the book suggestions. We’ll be in the chat here on substack- I’ll send a reminder!
I hope your summer is full of lots of laugh, and maybe a little yelling? Yes please!
xo
Kathleen
PS: thanks, as ever, for likes/shares/comments/cartwheels. I appreciate you! xx
I absolutely loved this—every word of it. How I wish I could’ve been there to hear you deliver the speech in person. Did you write it down? Will you share it? I hope so. I can’t be the only one who’d love to read the full thing—the excerpt you posted strikes such a thoughtful, necessary tone.
What moved me most, though, was how compassionately you speak about the men in your community—knowing they are capable of more and asking (and expecting) that they will show up.
I normally wouldn’t circle back to my own work in a comment - but this post *honestly* reminded me of the book I wrote about last week on my own Substack—a romance featuring one of the most realistic male characters I’ve come across in a long time. He was flawed but trying, and the author rendered him with such evident care that you could feel the presence of good men in her life—men she trusted, believed in, and maybe wrote toward.
As the mother of a son, I’m grateful for you. Grateful for her. Grateful for anyone willing to hold up a vision of what our men can be—and ask them to reach for it. <3.
You weren’t yelling that day. Truly. What I heard was a strong, reasonable woman inviting the men in our community to join us in the annoying-but-awesome work of co-creating said community. If they heard yelling, it was their consciences, not your tone.